There is a sensual fire burning inside me.  I keep that fire alive inside me every day.  I’m conscious of the sexual energy circulating throughout my body.  I feel my passion with every fiber of my body and being.  In my previous post, I wrote about how I’m struggling and having a sexual awakening.

There has been a throbbing pain in my chest and heart area for weeks.  And I felt numb in the rest of my body.  But now, I’m starting to feel more of my body and my self.  I laugh and smile more often.  There is still fear and chaos and confusion, but it doesn’t grip me as much as it did weeks ago.  I’ve been working on feeling the energy and releasing it from my body and chakras.  I feel lighter. 

I’m still in my cocoon taking care of myself, loving myself, holding myself while I undergo this sexual and spiritual transformation.  There is something very spiritual about the sexual awakening I’m having.  My soul is telling me this is exactly what is needed for me to evolve and transform into the next level and phase of my life.

I have completed much spiritual work in the past three years.  In every part of my life.  Love, desire, creativity, money, body, food, health, manifesting.  Practically everything.  The only piece I hadn’t focused on was my sexuality.  The one part of my life that I didn’t feel adult and like a woman was in my sexuality.

I realized I never became a woman.  I’ve been involved romantically and thought I would be taught everything on how to be a woman by these men.  Without realizing, I played the damsel in distress role to perfection.  It was my specialty.  I no longer want to play this role.  I’m receiving much insight into why I’m attracted to who and how and why.  I realize that I’m empowered and responsible for healing and exploring my own sexuality.  I’m responsible for enjoying and EXPRESSING my sexuality and sensuality.

At this moment, I’ve been releasing a lot of pent up energy in my body.  But so many questions tug at me.  I still spontaneously burst into tears and feel my heart opening up.  There is pain buried inside.  That I’ve kept inside for some time.  In discovering my sexuality, I am discovering myself.  This is such a deep and intense process.  This initiation into womanhood is opening my heart.  So much love is flowing out.  I want to take some of that watery love and give it to myself.

The questions that my soul ask me are: Why are you undergoing this initiation into womanhood?  Why are you feeling so much?  Why is your heart so fragile and soft?  Why do you cry so much?  Why don’t you believe you are worthy and deserving of everything you want desire?  Why don’t you believe you are worthy of true love and intimacy with your Beloved?  How are you going to find clarity in your life?  Why is this sexual transformation painful and beautiful at the same time?

I’m going to take more time and ponder these questions.  I feel thankful for everything in my life and for feeling my body.  For realizing that I’m capable of having a healthy sexuality.  That I too am beautiful, erotic, fiery, wild, soft,  and ravishing.  For now, I go to write in my journal and sleep.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka Yadvendu

 

Image source:  Dance Poise