As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m undertaking a ten week experiment to unravel and connect deeply to myself more intimately and more wildly.  I’m excited about this experiment and I’m keeping myself super open, feminine, soft, and receptive throughout the experiment.  I’m already noticing significant changes in me.  I’m noticing laser sharpness and an juicy aliveness that I haven’t felt for a while.

Embodying Your Wildly Intimate Woman: Focus of Attention

For this first week, I focused on this pillar: Focus of Attention.  What you focus your attention on is hugely important.  Every single moment, our thoughts are focused on something specific, but we don’t realize it because it’s on autopilot.  And our thoughts form our deeper beliefs and mindset that in turn create our reality.  So as you can imagine, if you want to change and transform your life, focus your attention and thoughts on what you desire, my sexy lady or man 😉

All this week, I was extremely aware of what I thought.  Several times, I even went on auto-pilot thinking about certain things and events in my life and then I caught myself being on auto-pilot.  It’s an interesting experience because it’s observing yourself from a distance or like you’re a different person.  

I tried to be gentle and compassionate towards myself because when I realized some of the thoughts I was thinking, it was not always kind and supportive towards me.  Rather, my self-talk was critical and unkind towards me.

For example: I have been focused on creating more abundance in my life.  Every day, in my journal, I wrote down how I feel abundant.  This included the money flowing into my bank account, masculine attention and energy, love, food, compliments, rain, sunshine, anything essentially that made me feel abundant.

Even though I wrote and journaled about these things to draw even more beautiful abundance into my life (and yes, it’s working!), I noticed my thoughts weren’t always consistent.  I caught myself thinking about money, masculine affection, food, work, from a lack mindset.  Thinking there isn’t enough.

Then, I felt how that felt in my body.  I let the feeling wash over me.  I don’t believe painting positivity over the truth you are feeling right now.  I don’t believe it is supportive or wise to pretend to feel good by numbing out how you really feel.  It’s a million times better and supportive to feel how it feels, no matter how uncomfortable.  Don’t wallow in it, but allow yourself to feel.

Once I felt how that felt in my body by lying on my bed or sofa being super still with my eyes closed, I don’t know how much time had passed, twenty to thirty minutes, I burst into tears.  I started to cry uncontrollably.  After I was done crying, I felt light and tired.  I was astounded by how much emotion lie stored in my body.  Then, I thought of what I desired and how I can feel more abundant.

The next couple days, my mind naturally veered to thinking thoughts that were more uplifting, supportive, and abundant.  I felt more joyful.  I slowed down after work in the evenings where I cooked recipes and meditated.  I did body scans every night and noticed how every part of my body felt as well to drop even deeper into connection with mysel.

These are the questions I asked myself.  If you’d like, you’re more than welcome to follow along on my journey and start your own Wildly Intimate Experiment 🙂

DO:  How are you feeling at this moment?  What are you placing your focus and attention on?  What qualities are you looking to feel more of?  What would you like to focus your attention more on?

Through answering these questions, I became crystal clear that the qualities I wanted to feel more of in my life and focus my attention more on creating and savoring are abundance, romance, and joy.

I also decided to set an intention to keep me on track and embody my Wildly Intimate Woman more deeply during the next ten weeks.  I thought about it and meditated about it.  And here is what came to me.  My intuition and body told me this is the right intention for me.  This is what I intend to feel for my journey in the next ten weeks.

I am a Goddess and I feel wildly intimate, happy, fulfilled, sexy and powerful ❤

I lit a candle and stared at myself in the mirror and told myself over and over that I am a Goddess and I feel wildly intimate, happy, fulfilled, sexy and powerful.

And you know what, I’m starting to believe that 😉  On to the next week.  Here is Week 2’s pillar: Vulnerability.  I’ll share my findings next Sunday.

As an additional note, here are the tools and practices I used to embody my intention and focus on this pillar:

The Mind (mental intelligence): Affirmations that prosperity and abundance is inside me.  I repeated my intention in front of the mirror to gain a greater self-connection.

The Body (instinctual intelligence/body wisdom): Body scans, meditations.  Yoga exercises to stretch my body and go deeper.

The Heart (emotional intelligence): Journaling about the questions earlier I mentioned.  Writing about my feelings and feeling my feelings completely.

The Soul (higher self/spirit): Understanding what my higher self wants to lead and teach me.  In this week, it was to teach me how to trust the process and let my unraveling happen at its own organic pace.

Lots of Love,

Priyanka

Image source: Wild Woman Sisterhood

I told my mother that I was going to be living alone in a two story house by myself in Bombay and she had a melt down.  I told her the truth because deep down even I didn’t feel that comfortable.  In the day, I would be visiting film studios and sets and be busy in the program agenda.  But in the night, what was I going to do all alone?  I felt quite afraid.

Indian Bollywood Film Scene

No matter how I dressed or what I did, when I walked on the streets, it was obvious I was not born and raised in India.  It was obvious I came from abroad and people can stare a lot when they figure that out about you.

Moving In with My Uncle and Aunt…

My mother called up my uncle and aunt who live in Bombay and had me shift to their place.  I was meeting them for the first time, we hadn’t really had much of a relationship previously.  As soon as my uncle came to pick me up and my luggage and drove me to his place, I felt this great relief as soon as I entered the door.  I didn’t know my aunt and uncle yet, but it felt incredibly comforting to stay with family.  My niece also greeted me excitedly who was seven to eight years old at the time.  She was bubbly and vivacious and immediately started chattering away with me.

Over the weeks, I became known as the “American aunt” and I developed a close relationship with her.  She would watch me put on my makeup and dress up and I would let her try my makeup.  It was cute and endearing!

But Bombay is a huge city like New York City and the traffic is just crazy here, causing people to be in their cars or taxis for hours and hours even for a short distance.  So though it was nice to be staying with my uncle and aunt, their home was not conveniently located in relation to the film studios and sets.  To top it all, I wanted to ensure everything was smooth and easy for my uncle who was a Manager at Citibank and obviously had to tend to his work.  He was already being generous letting me stay at his place and my aunt cooking me home made meals and tending to my every need.

So I told him to drop me off in the mornings at the guest house I was to stay originally.  The same man who had picked me up from the airport with whom I had not spoken a word to earlier in the taxi was to be my guide/chaperone during the whole trip.  His name was Mukesh and he was the one who was going to travel with me to all the film sets, studios, shootings, meetings, whatever was on the agenda.  He was a big, tall man and I don’t think we shared a single common thing.

Except that what started as awkward silences started to be filled with our jokes and chatter.  We got to know each other eventually and he was quite funny and interesting.  He asked me questions about America and he had a huge interest and curiosity in learning English and he would practice his English with me.  

I also asked him questions about Bombay and what it was like living here.  We shared our lives to each other and he accompanied me everywhere.  Since we Indians don’t do anything on time ;), shoots, schedules, and meetings occurred at a later time than scheduled, I would take the opportunity to use the time to stroll in the malls and sight see in Bombay.  I would merrily shop and eat ice cream all day long.  Every day, I tried a different flavor and since it was burning hot, I didn’t gain any pounds!  I would also make it a point to eat from a fast food restaurant – Subway, Pizza Hut, McDonald’s, and Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) often because I realized how American I truly am 🙂

Conversations with “Filmi” Folks

Now I’ll get to the juicy stuff.  In the first week, I went to a lot of meetings with film producers, directors, editors, and cameramen.  Sometimes, I met them at their office at the production house or I went to their home.  I have to admit I was usually a jumble of nerves.  It just felt so strange and disconnected from my day to day life in the States.  Sometimes, we are scared of the very thing we desire for in this Universe.  I had always wanted to know what it was like to be in their world and now that I was getting the opportunity, I was becoming nervous.

I can’t remember all the names on top of my head anymore, but most of them seemed to talk fast and hurriedly.  When they were speaking with me, I could tell their minds and brains were ticking away creatively and mechanically at a script or story idea.  They almost seemed like they were living in another world while talking to me.  Every single person I met though exhibited a strong passion for film making.  It was like their lives centered only around it.

This list is not comprehensive and I had so many experiences that I can’t remember or fit everything in this post, here are some people I met:

Suparn Verma (director), Sachin Khot (director), Hansal Mehta (director), Ajay Devgan (actor), Kajol (actress), Soha Ali Khan (actress), Emraan Hashmi (actor), Fardeen Khan (actor), Amrita Rao (actress), Abbas-Mustan (director & producer brother duo and yes, they really do wear white all the time!), Remo D’Souza (director and choreographer), Black Friday film producer (can’t remember his name), Saurabh Shukla (actor), Rinku Dhamecha (producer), and many, many more. (This list does not include cameramen, spot boys, action directors, casting directors, makeup artists, etc.)

I visited YRF (Yash Raj Films) Studios, Film City, along with a whole bunch of post-production and editing studios.  As you can tell, I had a gamut of experiences, so I’ll dive into detail for one of my favorite experiences.

Tum Mile Movie Set Starring Actors Emraan Hashmi & Soha Ali Khan

Often, the schedules and shootings I attended happened randomly.  It all depended on availability and since the schedules ran on erratic times, I usually found out at the last minute which set I was visiting.  One of the most exciting experiences I had was when I visited the set for the film Tum Mile.  The sets were situated in South Bombay and Mukesh and me rode a taxi for a good one hour to get there from the guesthouse.

Furthermore, I was in the taxi around midnight to visit the film shooting.  I was sleepy and was almost thinking of not going because I wanted my sleep.  I had already attended sets for television shootings and visited editing studios that I thought it was going to be the same thing again.

I’m so glad I went because till this day, South Bombay is my favorite part of Bombay.  As I sat in the taxi and rode, I was wide awake immediately.  South Bombay was incredibly different from the rest of Bombay.  There is a lot of history in this part of town and in fact, if I have this correctly, this was the original Bombay until the town’s population grew so much that they had to expand the city to other areas.

The buildings and architecture had an old, timeless appeal.  I honestly felt like I was living in the 1950s as I rode through the streets.  I felt I was in the golden age of Indian cinema and I imagined the history, politics, and film making happening here.

And the streets were incredibly clean.  Only back and yellow taxis, private taxis, and cars could run in this part of town, no rickshaws or autos.  I myself was sitting in a black and yellow taxi with Mukesh to get the set.  You could immediately sense the wealth and sophistication that was different from the rest of Bombay.  There were no beggars on the streets.  The Reserve Bank of India and the Bombay Stock Exchange are located here along with several Indian and multi-national companies are headquartered as well.  I also saw Nariman Point and rode past upmarket residential neighborhoods.  It was just very, very interesting and exciting!  It was like I was transported in another world.

When I entered the set, I spotted crowds of dancers, technicians, and film crew.  That wasn’t any different than what I had already encountered at the other sets.  Until I saw two people that looked familiar and I realized they were film stars actor Emraan Hashmi and actress Soha Ali Khan.  My heart beat so fast, I couldn’t believe it!  I read about them in the newspapers and magazines and now they were right there in front of me.  Emraan Hashmi is smaller in person than on screen, however he had that boyish grin and twinkling, mischievous eyes quite similar to the onscreen casanova screen image he portrayed on screen.

Soha Ali Khan was pretty with flawless very fair skin and she looked slim on screen, but here she was  a lot thinner and fragile.  I felt she would break into pieces, that’s how fragile she looked.  I could see the resemblance of her mother, the legendary Indian actress Sharmila Tagore of the 1960s and 1970s, but I have to say as pretty as Soha was, she wasn’t even half as pretty as her mother.  And of course, her brother is the major movie star and actor, Saif Ali Khan and her father was the former cricket captain of the Indian cricket team and Nawab of Pataudi (Nawab means some honorific title given to Mughal emperors of princely states in India)

My Fear of Being Seen

You may know of Remo D’Souza today as he is a successful director today (ABCD – Anybody Can Dance, ABCD 2, Flying Jatt), but at that time he was just a choreographer.  There were many foreign dancers of European and Russian origin at the sets.  Remo is a close friend of Hansal’s so that is how I was granted access to this set and so when Mukesh introduced me to Remo, he greeted me.  By this time, I had met so many people, but they are busy in their work that they don’t have time to tend to a 22 year old nervous girl obviously.  And those who did tend to me didn’t do so with noble intentions.  But I have to say Remo’s behavior towards me completely surprised me.  I remember standing in the set watching him lead the dancers over and over again.

He was busy, but he brought a chair and set the chair LITERALLY RIGHT NEXT to Emraan Hashmi and Soha Ali Khan.  They were sitting in their own white plastic chairs chatting with each other as the dancers completed their shot.

My heart beat and I couldn’t believe it, but I was also awkward and nervous.  I had no idea how to talk or behave with two actors.  I didn’t even know how to start the conversation.  So I just sat there right next to them for a good two hours pretending to be on my phone or look at the dancers.  The funny thing was that they were both intrigued at me.  I could tell they were wondering who the fuck I was!

Back to Remo real quick, he came to me often and asked me how I was doing and if I felt comfortable.  I would nod and pretend I was okay, but he did it with so much humility and warmth and with no intention except to make sure I was comfortable.  That truly touched my heart.  It was sweet and in my eyes till today, he is a true gentleman.  I am so thankful for that gesture because it made me feel like I wasn’t a total stranger on these sets.

Now back to Soha and Emraan.  Usually, people on a set just sit next to actors unless they are somebody important like the producer or director.  After some time, I very awkwardly after about 30 minutes asked for their autographs and then sat back down on my chair.  Throughout their conversation, their eyes kept darting to me, wondering who I was.  They never asked me who I was, probably thinking I was some rich influential guy’s daughter or the producer or director’s daughter or relative. 

Emraan Hashmi was very sleepy and on the quiet side and had twinkling eyes.  I could feel his stare on my skin even though I wasn’t looking at him directly.  He was an attractive guy even in real life.  Soha Ali Khan was very chatty and the entire time she was rambling on about so many topics to him as he listened quietly.  At one point, she received a phone call from her mother and my ears perked up.  She was telling her mother that she had ate her food and she was fine.  I couldn’t help but laugh and I tell this story often to my mother and my mother will tell me: “See, Soha is an actress and princess, and yet she patiently listened to her mother, so you shouldn’t get annoyed when I call you!  All mothers are mothers, whether film star or not!”

Juicy Conversations, Oscar Season, & the Slumdog Millionaire Frenzy

The most juicy part of the conversation was when it switched to the Oscars and Slumdog Millionaire.  To give you some quick history, during the course of my meetings with various film folks, the one thing I noticed consistently was they all weren’t that thrilled about Slumdog Millionaire being a frenzy in the West.  I was a little shocked by this because I was personally happy about it.  Their viewpoint was that the movie highlighted India’s poverty and rather harsh reality of slum kids and showed India in a negative light.  The one thing everyone was happy about was AR Rahman winning the Academy Award for Best Original Song for Jai Ho.

The conversation I heard between these two lead actors was even more interesting.  They echoed similar sentiments about the movie, but they also spoke at length about Dev Patel and especially Freida Pinto receiving so much international and Hollywood attention.  They were shocked and taken aback that they were gracing many talk shows like The Ellen DeGeneres Show and The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

I think part of this stems from the fact that much of the Indian film industry or fondly referred as “Bollywood” contains people joining the industry who have family or some kind of connection or relation.  It is a difficult industry to break into without a solid connection or family background.  I’m sure this is the case for other industries in the world, however this seems to especially be the case here in India.

I read other interviews of Freida Pinto where she mentioned auditioning for many movies and television shows, but not receiving them.  She clearly has no family background or connection in the Indian film industry, is not wealthy, looks quite different from the archetype Indian actress/heroine AND yet despite all this made it huge becoming famous worldwide out of no where.

I heard other tidbits of their conversation about other actors and actresses, but probably better not to mention them all here 😉  It did strike me how that was exactly how I felt in Bombay and sometimes in America, too.  I was an outsider in Bombay and in this entertainment industry.  In America, I didn’t feel I belonged in Silicon Valley working in offices nor did I want to pursue the conventional path of being an engineer or doctor (with all due respect to these noble professions).  I was also not completely American here in America.

But being an outsider gives you advantages, too.  You start to see the world and yourself in a different light.  You have the opportunity to figure out your strengths and likes and revel in your uniqueness.  I learned how to feel a sense of self-worth and felt beautiful for the first time in my life.  I learned to not be afraid to be seen.  I’ll talk about that more in detail in my next post.

Have you had a fear of being seen or being an outsider?  How did you transform and feel in the process?  I’d love to hear about your experience.  Please share with me in the comments.

Image source: mid-day

Ever since I could remember, I’ve wanted to do something interesting and meaningful with my life. Money holds significance in my life, but money has mostly meant stability and freedom to lead my life on my own terms.

My First Time in Bombay, India

I studied Economics in college, though originally I wanted to study English.  Being the oldest, my parents wanted me to study something that would allow me to have a more stable career, so I got a degree in Economics and worked in finance after college.  Though my parents were well meaning, my heart has never been in working in offices.  I quit my job in finance after only six months because I didn’t find any meaning and I didn’t have the courage to tell my parents I quit, so I just said I was let go.   (Not a brave and smart decision, and I don’t recommend anyone to do this).

And Then I Landed a Position at Yahoo.  

I became incredibly restless even here after a while, so one fine day, I started researching programs I could do abroad.  I landed on a web page about a film and media program in Bombay aka Mumbai.  In all my blog posts, I will refer to Mumbai as Bombay even though the official name is Mumbai because most of us still connect to the city through that name. (There is a whole story behind the name…that’s for another blog post)

My heart beat faster as I looked at the program schedule.  It was so exciting!  I would get to learn about film making and the workings of media and most of all, get to travel and stay in Bombay.

I thought the program would mostly consist of lectures and books and a professor teaching us about film making and then taking us to a random studio to watch a documentary.

I just didn’t think it was possible that I would get to experience everything I did.  I thought it was too good to be true that I would actually visit legitimate film studios and witness the behind the scenes.  The gold in this opportunity was to get away from my life here in an office and on this adventure by myself in a different country.

Show Up Fully and Own Your Desire

I try to meet everyone’s expectations, but when I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want something, there is this fire in my chest.   I have this single minded determination when I decide I want to do something.

And going on this film and media program was one of those desires.  There was no way I was going to compromise.  I knew my dear mother, hyper yet loving, was not going to be happy.

So I did all my research in advance and didn’t tell anyone that I even applied.  I got my recommendations from a close college advisor and submitted my application.  I was accepted and then I had to tell my mother about my decision.  She immediately started listing out reasons why I shouldn’t go and how it’s not safe for a young girl to be in India.  But I didn’t give in.  There was silence at home for the next week.

My mother discussed it with my father and even my brother thought I was crazy.  They had a valid reason.  The 2008 Mumbai terrorist attacks had occurred a month earlier in Bombay and that was another key reason my parents didn’t want me to go.

But I’m very persistent like a typical Taurean bull 😉 My father suggested receiving references for the program and I jumped at his suggestion.  Long story short, my parents felt comfortable after speaking to the references and I packed my bag to travel to Bombay.

My Fears Started to Trigger Me…

When I was on the plane, it felt too surreal and dreamy.  I don’t think the full entirety of it hit me until I landed in Bombay.  Then, my heart sank.  It was dusty and hot. I felt my skin becoming sticky and burning just stepping off the plane.  I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

I also thought Bombay would be glamorous and amazing the moment I stepped off the plane.  It was not.  Taxis, cabs, crowds, shops everywhere.  Did I mention there were lots of people everywhere? It was messy and chaotic.  And I could feel the ruthless, fast paced pulse of the city breathing in the air.

A man from the India Study Abroad Center came with a sign with my name on it and helped me put my luggage in a taxi and take me to the guest house where I would be staying.  It took some time to reach the guest house and the whole way I stared out the window.  We didn’t say a word, he didn’t know much English and my Hindi wasn’t very fluent either.  In reality, it felt awkward to be stuffed in a cab with a total stranger and my luggage beside him.

I finally reached the guest house and I started to feel better.  There was to be two other girls from another country participating in this program along with me.  I was going to have company.

I was helped again with my luggage since my room was on the second floor of the guest house. Bombay is like New York, space is at a premium, I thought I was going to be crunched up in a tiny space, so I heaved a sigh of relief that the guest house was simple and spacious.

I met the Co-Founder of the program, Mr. Hansal Mehta, Indian film director (Dil Pe Maat Le Yaar, Shahid, Citylights).  His wife Safeena Husain and him started this program as a part of their organization that offers a variety of experiential programs.  I sat with him as he walked me through the agenda for the four weeks I would spend in Bombay.  At that time, I had no idea who he was.  Until he told me he was a film director and I realized I had watched some of his films in my childhood.

As an exciting, interesting note, he was writing the script for Shahid (biographical film based on the life of lawyer and human rights activist Shahid Azmi) at that time which later received tremendous acclaim and success.  Now that I look back, I realize how fascinating it is to see who he was as a person up close and personal at that time that he poured into this film.  And now when I watch a film, I always wonder about the emotional internal struggles of an artist that are behind a creative work.

I didn’t spend too much time with him, but I remember he was deep in reflection most of the time.  I could sense his mind was ticking and simmering as he went about his normal days. I believe his previous films were not as successful and he had steered away from what he truly wanted to make and wanted to get his creative juices flowing again so he could write a film closer to his heart.  Having found my own creative spark and freedom, I can understand the internal struggle that plays out because my own novel Enchanted Silence reflects my emotions and deep inner world.

After he left, I resigned myself in my room and took a sweet nap.  Once I woke up, I heard chatter and foot steps.  The other two girls had arrived.  I took a quick shower and dressed into fresh clothes.

I Was In For A Shock….

I went downstairs and introduced myself.  They greeted me in accented English.  The first thing I noticed about them was how breathtakingly beautiful they were.  We made some friendly banter and I learned they were sisters and from Eastern Europe, in their late 20s to early 30s.  I was feeling more upbeat and I felt it would be fun to share this experience with two other girls.

But a couple hours later, suddenly, the two sisters started to show me attitude and throw insults at me (some even racially motivated).  At first, I thought maybe it was a communication gap and we were not understanding each other.  But it came pretty evident that they didn’t like me and as I was immature at the time, I also indulged in a dramatic showdown session with them.  But I was overpowered by two dominating girls who kept screaming at me.  I was trembling in fear and disbelief.

After a point, I wasn’t aggressive enough to stand up to them, so I ran off to my room.  I was so scared that I shifted all the heavy furniture against my door so no one would be able to enter my room without permission while I’m sleeping.  Was I being way too paranoid and irrational?  Perhaps, but when you travel alone and you’re already a shy, reserved young girl, your fears and the unknown get the best of you.  You see a side of yourself that you didn’t even knew existed.  A side that you don’t like. 

The next day, they had a disagreement with the program founders as well and they cut short their trip.  They flew to Agra to see the Taj Mahal and would head home to their home country.  They were not going to keep me company on this 4-week adventure.  I was relieved and sad all at the same time.  I didn’t have to deal with them anymore, but I was going to live all alone in a spacious house in Bombay.  I would have no one to share this adventure with.

I clammed up and my normal tendency would have been to run away to my safe comfort zone, but there was no way I could run home.  I had to stay the entire four weeks.  Plus being a Taurean, I couldn’t let my family be right that I wouldn’t be able to handle the trip.

Now that I look back.  I realize they couldn’t handle the cultural differences, heat, and all the unpleasant stuff that shows up when you’re traveling.  I faced it when I traveled to Mexico recently and other countries as well.  Traveling especially to foreign places takes an emotional, physical, and mental toll on you.  It shakes up your internal system.  Instead of dealing with it the right way, they ended up directing all their discomfort at me.

After this experience, I realized I must practice acceptance and letting go even more actively when traveling and be sensitive when traveling in different countries.  I always make sure to be sensitive and respectful to the practices and cultural differences in another country and not take things too personally. 

Traveling is about letting go of your expectations and going with the flow. And boy was I going to receive many opportunities to learn this beautiful, yet messy lesson over the course of the next four weeks.

Have you felt the pangs of excitement and nervousness simultaneously when making a life-changing, bold decision?  Did you feel your fears and beliefs being tested as you made this decision?  I’d love to hear more!  Please share with me in the comments.